Finally Stepping Into The Light

    Life is such a delicate thing, so fragile yet so complex and intimidating. Like a flame it burns brightly for a time, but is easily snuffed out in the blink of an eye. For many, we hope to keep our flame going until God’s appointed time to bring us home, after living our lives for His glory. Yet for many others, life is filled with unspeakable pain, to the point where they would rather see it end before they endured another day.      We all at some point in our lives will experience pain in one way or another. It is through pain in which we are brought into this world, it’s how we grow physically into maturity, and the pain can bring valuable life lessons that we pass on to the next generation. The question that must be asked is, how do I deal with pain and not give it domain over my life? My natural reaction is to bottle it up, bury it deep down and forget. Try as I might however, I never forget those moments. They eat away at me, and so I eat to escape the pain. It’s a cycle I

It's currently 1:08 AM on January 1, 2020 as I write this, as we all turn to the first blank page of a 365 page book, each one to be written in permanent ink. Whether we realize it or not, we are each an author, and our daily choices will dictate the kind of story we publish. So as tradition goes, each year we build our story board, and lay out our goals in hopes of becoming the best version of ourselves we can be, to pursue a higher purpose and make an impact in the world around us. As for me, my goal is to completely change the narrative of my life, one paragraph at a time. All metaphors aside, I've been declining at a pretty steady pace this past year, both in my physical health and in my attitude towards life. Depression casts its long shadow, and envelops the light around me. Overeating promises to help me forget my troubles, only to add to my pain. As I stare the new year in the face, a growing sense of urgency is felt. The year 2020 is a make-or-break year for me, I

It's been a while since I've returned to my blogs...I just went through my last entry a couple months ago and I remember vividly those dark feelings stealing my light, my joy, my reason for living. In some ways I'm still fighting off those demons, only now things are looking very different since my CPAP device came in. See, everyone who knows me well enough knows I've been suffering from severe sleep apnea for the longest time, and it's not just snoring; it's literally an extreme lack of oxygen due to constant pauses or shallowness of breathing throughout the night. The amount of times this was happening became so frequent that fixing it was a matter of life and death.  Every morning that came brought new miseries, as my mind would be so clouded and dysfunctional, my head throbbing in pain, my eyes heavy with exhaustion, that even the most menial task seemed impossible. I missed so much work because I would just end up falling asleep at my computer on a regu

“So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.” ~ Psalm 143:4 NIV   For this entry I felt the need to pour out what's been going on with me lately so it may be darker at first, but then again, this is a dark time in my life right now, as I'm still trying to step into the light.      I've had this recurring image cross my mind of a person, whose hands and feet are chained to the ground unable to move. Anguish on his face, pulling against the chains with all his might, but to no avail. He longs for freedom, he's fought so many times before, but eventually he gives in to the great weight of the iron shackles.     Then, a word comes to mind: trapped. I feel trapped inside my body, and just thinking about that word creates this sinking feeling, and this metaphorical weight descends on me, like every action I take is impossible, and all motivation is lost. It's a hopeless feeling, to feel like no one could possibly understand, and nothing I&#

"If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.  For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. " (Matthew 16:24-25, NASB) I've heard this scripture repeated all throughout my childhood, growing up in a private school as well as in church. It's a commonly known quote from Jesus as he was describing the idea of dying-to-self in order to follow Him. As a teenager/young adult, I never really gave too much thought as to what this really meant; now I believe it was because deep down I wasn't willing to give up my way of life. I allowed my own stubborn devotion to my self interests to rob me of an important part of the process of following in Christ's example. Now that I just turned 31 years old six days ago, I find myself rethinking many of my choices that led me to this dark place in my life, and I can't help but wonder what might have happened had I gras

  "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" ~ 2 Corinthians 3:5 ESV     Long have I believed that I was void of any special gift or calling. Instead I lived my life as a victim of circumstance and wallowed in self-pity and resentment toward God for such an oversight. I looked for anything to bring me a sense of fulfillment and to distract me from my inadequacies, and so I hid myself from the rest of the world, gave in to my eating addiction and ate my way into obscurity.    Lately, I've been making an effort to rid myself of  this great weight (speaking both physically and figuratively) and literally reinvent myself. This is no simple task as I've quickly learned, after so many years of living in the comfort of allowing my carnal nature have it's way with both my mind and my body, and feeding on the shadows in my heart. I've begun feeding my spirit with the Holy Word and praying regularl